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Markings on your skin

Moving is probably the easiest part of it all… I mean, in the midst of the action, you don’t have time to think. Once things simmer down though, the brain starts all sorts of train of thoughts… it is a bit madning actually, but not an uncommon trait of character for my neurones  😉

Upside down

I haven’t wallowed yet… still too much to do I suppose. It is a strange thing that of reality slapping you in the face when you least expect it. I mean, I can go about my business light-hearted for hours and then suddenly “SLAP!”… stomach upside down, teary eyes and frozen in my tracks. Of course, no one notices because it lasts a quarter of a second, but to me it feels like hours every time.   🙁

Don’t get me wrong! I have no regrets.  🙂  We had to separate or our love would have truly died, eventually. It does not matter what kind of love we have for each other, as long as we have it we can face anything head on. Yet, 16 years together “leave markings on your skin” (Poets of the Fall – Jealous Gods 2012 – Love Will Come to You).

Lost in a haze

A good colleague of mine told me something very true, although I hope I’ll be done by then. She said, cut yourself some slacks, you have time… you have all winter to unpack. She is right of course, but I also know that the longer I wait to get things done, the longer it’ll take for it to feel like home.

I’ve been wondering how I am feeling, because in truth, I have sort of shoven it all in a corner of my head to avoid the subject. As I got up this morning, I realised that I am a bit lost. The haze isn’t think, but I wouldn’t know where to start to get new marks in my routines… I suppose that it is all linked to the lack of homy feeling (at least in part)… emotionaly, well… never mind!

Sounds dreadful when I read this back… worse, I am not craving company nor do I feel the need to talk… said the woman writing a blog  😛 … I wouldn’t be able to articulate my feelings anyway. My colleagues are asking “how’s it going with the move?” “how do you feel?”… I never know how to answer, so I put on a mask and talk facts, with a dash of feelings I have no clue about. I am not the most cheerful person at work these days (haven’t been for a while… sorry), but I promise you, I don’t really show how I truly feel… how could I? I don’t even know myself.

Don’t wanna talk

I am not crying or anything… I don’t think I have reached that stage yet. I don’t wanna talk, not really… except here, because this is my world, my bubble… I guess I don’t wanna talk because I don’t wanna hear that it’ll get better, or that I have to give it time etc. You know all the nice comforting things that people who care about me are bound to give me… I love them for that, but that is not what I need right now. I know it is going to get better, it is the all point of the separation after all  😀

Cheer up

But today, I’ll give you that some professional new prospects are around the corner. The future looks brighter than it has in a very long time – although it has been rather bright ever since I started this job 1,5 years ago (as a temp). This is good news!  🙂 I would feel all giggly and happy and hopeful, but I don’t want to jinx it… but I am very excited… so cross your fingers…

Thanks for stopping by,
Until next time!

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Final countdown…

Final Countdown

The Last Rose

How does one redefine oneself on one’s own? Does it mean one has to start all over, from scratch? Of course not! 😉 What I like, what I do not… What I want and do not… What I believe in and do not… How I love… what I stand for… in other words, who am I? You see, when I talked to my little brother the other day, bless his heart, he defined me in a way I did not really expect. He said (without judgement or prejudice) that I am defined by being a fan and a child, a woman too – he said – but a child nonetheless… as I understood it, beeing a fan makes me a child (stings a little, I must confess) 😉 … and I thought to myself, if my little brother knows me as very little as that, I really gotta do something about it. 😆 

How do you live so gracefully
Would you show me
How can I save the child in me
A world a child would see
How do you fall so gracefully
In a shattered world
The child in me
© Poets of the Fall – Clearview, 2016 – The Child in Me

Decisions decisions

I have lived with and in my husband’s company for 16 years, and during that time he has given me everything. Under his wings, I’ve grown to become my own person. He has been my constant support, pushing me, catching me, comforting me, listening to me, advising me… in short, loving me, his own way. Now that I can stand on my own, without his guidance, we realised, or rather decided to face the facts head on that we had very little in common. Love isn’t an issue, we do love one another, but not as a married couple should… I guess we are not in love. That being said, we are the best of friends and that is not going to change for one bit, ever… we will still be in each other’s life… but not under the same roof, not on a daily basis, without sharing everything, every second of every single day… we both need our space to be happy, because let’s face it, we are not and we haven’t been for a while. Is all that a good reason to get a divorce? Yes. Some may disagree, but ultimately, only we two know what is best for us. Therefore, I will not expand on this, nor discuss further the whys of the hows… or anything like that. 

Regret is the skin you shed just to make it this far
© Poets of the Fall – Jealous Gods, 2012 – Brighter Than The Sun

Preparing to move out

It took about 4 weeks to find and get an apartment. I have signed the lease and will move in exactly 5 days… now just letting the final countdown run its course. It is amazing how much junk one collects in 16 years. The most important right now though is to get everything packed so that I don’t have to go back to the house too often to get stuff I “forgot”  :P. It would not be a problem of course, but it would not feel so great to go back and forth for what would seem forever. When I go to the house, I just want it to be for a normal visit like “fika” (tea time), or dinner or whatever best friends do when they meet  :D.

New beginning

Is it crazy to think that at almost 44 years of age, I still can start my life over? not from scratch, obviously, but from a point I should have been at 20 years ago maybe. New beginnings entail new resolutions… you know, like new year resolutions 😆 … new rhythm … new take on things, ok maybe not new, but rather less shy of coming out (no, I don’t have examples!). There will be a time to go into details, once I have actually started with these “new resolutions”. This new beginning was a long time coming, but at the same time, it is rather scary. From two to one… nobody will be waiting for me at home, or come home to me after work… I know this is going to be tough, and as Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls TV show) would say, I might need to wallow a bit. 

Lorelai: Listen, I’ve had my heart broken before. It’s really hard. It’s hard for everyone. So, can I give you a little advice?
Rory: OK.
Lorelai: I think what you really need to do today is wallow.
Rory: Wallow?
Lorelai: Oh yeah. Get back in your pajamas, got to bed, eat nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza. Don’t take a shower or shave your legs or put on any kind of makeup at all. And just sit in the dark and watch a really sad movie and have a good long cry and just wallow. You need to wallow.
© Gilmore Girls – 2008

The difference is that my heart is not broken, not that way at least… and I do not have the constitution of the Gilmore girls characters who eat a ton of junk food and even though they get sick they look completely fresh and unphased and do not take on one gram 😆 No seriously, wallowing might be a good thing at some point, it is part of the process to start starting, right… It’ll come 😉

if there’s no end there can be no beginning
© Poets of the Fall – Alchemy Vol.1, 2011 – No End No Beginning

Source: The last rose © Photo & artwork by Jonas Ekman – 2019