Markings on your skin

Moving is probably the easiest part of it all… I mean, in the midst of the action, you don’t have time to think. Once things simmer down though, the brain starts all sorts of train of thoughts… it is a bit madning actually, but not an uncommon trait of character for my neurones  😉

Upside down

I haven’t wallowed yet… still too much to do I suppose. It is a strange thing that of reality slapping you in the face when you least expect it. I mean, I can go about my business light-hearted for hours and then suddenly “SLAP!”… stomach upside down, teary eyes and frozen in my tracks. Of course, no one notices because it lasts a quarter of a second, but to me it feels like hours every time.   🙁

Don’t get me wrong! I have no regrets.  🙂  We had to separate or our love would have truly died, eventually. It does not matter what kind of love we have for each other, as long as we have it we can face anything head on. Yet, 16 years together “leave markings on your skin” (Poets of the Fall – Jealous Gods 2012 – Love Will Come to You).

Lost in a haze

A good colleague of mine told me something very true, although I hope I’ll be done by then. She said, cut yourself some slacks, you have time… you have all winter to unpack. She is right of course, but I also know that the longer I wait to get things done, the longer it’ll take for it to feel like home.

I’ve been wondering how I am feeling, because in truth, I have sort of shoven it all in a corner of my head to avoid the subject. As I got up this morning, I realised that I am a bit lost. The haze isn’t think, but I wouldn’t know where to start to get new marks in my routines… I suppose that it is all linked to the lack of homy feeling (at least in part)… emotionaly, well… never mind!

Sounds dreadful when I read this back… worse, I am not craving company nor do I feel the need to talk… said the woman writing a blog  😛 … I wouldn’t be able to articulate my feelings anyway. My colleagues are asking “how’s it going with the move?” “how do you feel?”… I never know how to answer, so I put on a mask and talk facts, with a dash of feelings I have no clue about. I am not the most cheerful person at work these days (haven’t been for a while… sorry), but I promise you, I don’t really show how I truly feel… how could I? I don’t even know myself.

Don’t wanna talk

I am not crying or anything… I don’t think I have reached that stage yet. I don’t wanna talk, not really… except here, because this is my world, my bubble… I guess I don’t wanna talk because I don’t wanna hear that it’ll get better, or that I have to give it time etc. You know all the nice comforting things that people who care about me are bound to give me… I love them for that, but that is not what I need right now. I know it is going to get better, it is the all point of the separation after all  😀

Cheer up

But today, I’ll give you that some professional new prospects are around the corner. The future looks brighter than it has in a very long time – although it has been rather bright ever since I started this job 1,5 years ago (as a temp). This is good news!  🙂 I would feel all giggly and happy and hopeful, but I don’t want to jinx it… but I am very excited… so cross your fingers…

Thanks for stopping by,
Until next time!

4 thoughts on “Markings on your skin

  1. The “stomach upside down” factor. For me, always an indicator. The bigger the stomach ache, the more validated I feel in whatever decision I may have struggled over making.
    Writing is magical catharsis. Music provides same.
    Here’s to magic and music and exciting professional opportunities.

  2. “…nor do I feel the need to talk… said the woman writing a blog

    There is a thing available to us, here in the world of mostly-mind, that is both good for us and a gift for others. To share ourselfs, without intent of an interaction/exchange, creates the opportunity for ‘identification with another’. It is quite amazing.
    Not: tell me what to do/ I can tell you what to do
    Rather: I hear you and know how you feel
    And, somehow, this is a benefit for both, in a transaction-free state, life enhancing
    … thank you for sharing

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