How does one redefine oneself on one’s own? Does it mean one has to start all over, from scratch? Of course not! 😉 What I like, what I do not… What I want and do not… What I believe in and do not… How I love… what I stand for… in other words, who am I? You see, when I talked to my little brother the other day, bless his heart, he defined me in a way I did not really expect. He said (without judgement or prejudice) that I am defined by being a fan and a child, a woman too – he said – but a child nonetheless… as I understood it, beeing a fan makes me a child (stings a little, I must confess) 😉 … and I thought to myself, if my little brother knows me as very little as that, I really gotta do something about it. 😆
How do you live so gracefully
Would you show me
How can I save the child in me
A world a child would see
How do you fall so gracefully
In a shattered world
The child in me
© Poets of the Fall – Clearview, 2016 – The Child in Me
I have lived with and in my husband’s company for 16 years, and during that time he has given me everything. Under his wings, I’ve grown to become my own person. He has been my constant support, pushing me, catching me, comforting me, listening to me, advising me… in short, loving me, his own way. Now that I can stand on my own, without his guidance, we realised, or rather decided to face the facts head on that we had very little in common. Love isn’t an issue, we do love one another, but not as a married couple should… I guess we are not in love. That being said, we are the best of friends and that is not going to change for one bit, ever… we will still be in each other’s life… but not under the same roof, not on a daily basis, without sharing everything, every second of every single day… we both need our space to be happy, because let’s face it, we are not and we haven’t been for a while. Is all that a good reason to get a divorce? Yes. Some may disagree, but ultimately, only we two know what is best for us. Therefore, I will not expand on this, nor discuss further the whys of the hows… or anything like that.
Regret is the skin you shed just to make it this far
© Poets of the Fall – Jealous Gods, 2012 – Brighter Than The Sun
Preparing to move out
It took about 4 weeks to find and get an apartment. I have signed the lease and will move in exactly 5 days… now just letting the final countdown run its course. It is amazing how much junk one collects in 16 years. The most important right now though is to get everything packed so that I don’t have to go back to the house too often to get stuff I “forgot” :P. It would not be a problem of course, but it would not feel so great to go back and forth for what would seem forever. When I go to the house, I just want it to be for a normal visit like “fika” (tea time), or dinner or whatever best friends do when they meet :D.
Is it crazy to think that at almost 44 years of age, I still can start my life over? not from scratch, obviously, but from a point I should have been at 20 years ago maybe. New beginnings entail new resolutions… you know, like new year resolutions 😆 … new rhythm … new take on things, ok maybe not new, but rather less shy of coming out (no, I don’t have examples!). There will be a time to go into details, once I have actually started with these “new resolutions”. This new beginning was a long time coming, but at the same time, it is rather scary. From two to one… nobody will be waiting for me at home, or come home to me after work… I know this is going to be tough, and as Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls TV show) would say, I might need to wallow a bit.
Lorelai: Listen, I’ve had my heart broken before. It’s really hard. It’s hard for everyone. So, can I give you a little advice?
Lorelai: I think what you really need to do today is wallow.
Lorelai: Oh yeah. Get back in your pajamas, got to bed, eat nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza. Don’t take a shower or shave your legs or put on any kind of makeup at all. And just sit in the dark and watch a really sad movie and have a good long cry and just wallow. You need to wallow.
© Gilmore Girls – 2008
The difference is that my heart is not broken, not that way at least… and I do not have the constitution of the Gilmore girls characters who eat a ton of junk food and even though they get sick they look completely fresh and unphased and do not take on one gram 😆 No seriously, wallowing might be a good thing at some point, it is part of the process to start starting, right… It’ll come 😉
if there’s no end there can be no beginning
© Poets of the Fall – Alchemy Vol.1, 2011 – No End No Beginning
Source: The last rose © Photo & artwork by Jonas Ekman – 2019